Prologue
I remember the time when I have had still so little hands, that they suited without any problems in my brother’s ones. Often he didn’t notice, when I shove them into his. My so small fingers seemed so pale on his experienced skin.
As well as everything else I remember his way to sigh, too. It was so deep and mysterious. I have heard it all the time, when he tried to explain to me, that he hadn’t time for me. He was always so busy. Missions. Instructions. Something like Big-Boy-Stuff. I wonder that I could still see his face so clear in front of my mind when I close my eyes. Probably because it’s the only one, which connects me with my descent. It’s his fault. My suffering. Without him so much would have happened in another way. Perhaps I would still have my parents. Anyway, who cares? Nothing could give me back all those years. They are all away. Hide in the deep long way of my useless live. My childhood…nah…there isn’t any Childhood anymore. I was completely on my own. A young little boy. Everything a bit too big. The responsibility, and the solitude, and the silence. And the pain.
The pain most of all. It was worst. I’ll never wish someone an experience like that. So alone without a caretaker, without a family, without parental affection. It makes you cold and insusceptible for every tiny bit of happiness in the world. I had to learn it by myself. My whole life. Whether I deserve it?
Who knows? Those questions aren’t important. Nobody could answer this, and nobody would. Nobody has the right to judge about something like that. If someone would anyway, he would be a fool. When I was young I often spend hours with thoughts like that. But by the time I gave it up. I had to get on. It was no use. It would never be a use. In this world everyone must care for himself. If it’s not so, he’ll stay back. Nobody will come and help him up. I had to stand up by myself, too. And it was damned hard. When you wake up in the morning, and all is completely silence, nobody is there who waits for you, nobody who’ll hug you gently, nobody who’ll sit at the table and smile at you, it’ll mark your soul for all time. Look at me. Uchiha Sasuke. This stubborn, quiet boy, who never talks so much, who has lost all trust in this cold, dark world. I don’t live for yesterday. I don’t live for tomorrow. I even don’t live for now. But I live…For whatever.
When I was suddenly on my own, my world broke up. Broke in thousand little pieces, never able to put together again. I watched it. Every bloody tear burned into my soul. Every tiny detail immortalized in my conscience. Damned to be there for all my time. When my mind goes blank, when I forget me and lose control about my body, I dip in my past. I remember the time with my family… It happens too often. I begin to tremble, no matter how hard I struggle to suppress it. All becomes blurred in my eyes, becomes an unclear outline, which gets lost in nothing. Just like now…
Part 1
Everything has a sense. Itachi often said that. Often then when I was another opinion. He had always to contradict. Then I stared at him, my head in the neck, saw in his dark eyes and sulked. I rarely discussed with him. I knew how poor my arguments were. I never want to fight with him. He was my brother after all. I loved him as much as my mom or my dad.
Sometimes, when he spent his time with me, beside all his important missions, we did some things together.
We went to the lake, or had a little walk in the forest, or he played with me. I enjoyed these hours, though there weren’t a lot. When I close my eyes today, I can feel everything. Just like I am there. The leaves, which weigh in the breeze, the chirp of the birds, the rush of the water. I even smell the thousands of scents, which were around. If I would, I could still feel the crawl in my stomach, when he had swirled me around in the air, that I had to squeak loud out. And his cheerful laugh. It was rare, that he showed some of his emotions, and I was one of these less persons, which ever saw him so. He has always been different to me. In our village he was called “Fridge”. But you had to know Itachi very well, to see, what he liked, and what not. He had a so especially expression in his eyes then…
***
He sensed something was wrong with his little brother. His brain told him it was because of the Missions and the stressing time, but his heart told him something else. Sasuke had often stared at him with those eyes, but in the last weeks he often had this bitterly look. When he asked for something, he never said Itachis name. Always he saw to the right or to the left, but never direct in his big brothers face. More than one time, Itachi had the feeling, that Sasuke noticed something. Sometimes, when his foolish little brother believed himself alone, he cried like a little baby. Itachi often heard his suffers. Silent and oppressed.
***
I’m standing in the shadows, the face glancing bored to the side. The full moon glows through a small opened window. I have to pretend this look, yet it hurts like burning ice. I really can’t believe what I’ve done, but I haven’t had another choice.
I’m a murderer. A monster.
No way to doubt it. The corpses at my feet are proof enough. And all because of him. My little brother. Sasuke.
I sense the tears in my eyes. I hate crying so much. I’m so weak then. And I can’t avoid this feeling. Not in this situation.
If you would ask me why, I wouldn’t be able to give an answer. Perhaps I don’t know, too.
All began a so long time ago. Nah, not so long. Seven months, not more.
Our Family, the famous Uchiha-Clan was in danger, and I was the only one, who knew it, able to rescue us from our destiny. But at this moment I didn’t realize, that it would claim victims. Much faster than I wanted to I had to decide. My brother, or the whole clan.
I never liked my dad as much as my mom. He never understood me, and more than one time I have had the feeling, that he observed me. In Moments like this I thought he was jealous. But why? Did he really thought, that my power and my talent was a blessing? If it was so, he was wrong. It was far worse. It’s hard to meet all this expectations. You had never the chance to make a mistake. And you had to pretend your unimpeachable side for every hour the day. Often my dad said when I had fun with Sasuke that I had to protect my dignity and my honor. He had never an interest in me, just in my ability and gifts.
And Mom never made a noise, when Dad claimed something like that. Even though she was my mother, I had never a so close bond with her. So it was easy for me. Sasuke means more to me than any other person in this damned world. But he wouldn’t understand my deeds. He loves our parents. And his love to me would give him the feeling that I betrayed him. I know how his mind goes. He wouldn’t believe me. He would cry, and he would run away. He would hate me.
I’m frightened of this. He is the only one in this world who really loves me, not because I’m so talented. Because I am like I am. Even this very thought makes me suffer. But it will become much more cruel. I feel that. In all those years I had learned when something was done or when it goes on and becomes more and more awful.
The noise of a door clicking shut confirm my prediction. I look up.
My little brother stands in front of me and my heart misses more than one beat. An unpleasant silence fills the air. I don’t know what to say, and I know, Sasuke will believe what he sees, not what he hears from me.
He stares at me, with his dark eyes, much purer than mine. Than he looks down, to the corpses at my feet. And the blood. I curse me for that. That his innocent soul must take this. I want to go to him. Hug him and tell him, that I’m sorry. I want to apologize. I want, that he understands, that he understands me and my destiny, our destiny. But I must play my role. Standing here and acting like I’m not caring about that. It’s better for him, my Master said. And he didn’t mean Sasukes mental condition.
“Ita – “ His voice comes out in a squeak and my heart tears into pieces.
He begins to tremble. His whole small body becomes to shiver.
I struggle so hard. I’m not allowed to give in. I must pretend my calm and destroy his life. Yet I don’t know whether it was a good decision to let him alive. To let him have this moment. He must live with this image all his life. And I feel so sorry. But my order is clear.
“Sorry, Sasuke…” I whisper and know that I had decided wrong. I’m on the wrong side. I hurt the wrong one.
My cold fingers touch my Shuriken and all I’m able to think of is: He’s innocent. Sasuke is innocent. Forgive me, little brother. Please, forgive me…
Part 2
He ran as fast as he could. His breath went irregular, but he didn’t stop. He wanted to get home soon. This morning he had promised to hurry up after school and now it was right till dusk. He hoped that his parents wouldn’t be much angry.
Because at the last time he was quiet happy. He had finally the feeling that his Dad accepted him. Though he didn’t speak much more with him, Sasuke sensed that his attitude was more positive than before.
The other day he even trained with him, and Sasuke was so proud of himself, that he reached request of his father. Although he had needed much more time than Itachi, he could use the new Jutsu very well.
Suddenly he stopped. Everything was scary silent and his heart became cold. It was impossible that all his family members were sound asleep. The last few me-ters he involved within less than three seconds.
And then he stood there. Shocked. And his small hands began to shiver, his legs took over and his mind went blank.
A warm summer breeze whirled up a broken piece of a lantern. All he could see on it was the tore Uchiha-Symbol…
***
“Mom?”
Sasuke came into the kitchen and watched his mother while helping here with the dinner.
“Mom?”, he repeated once more and his mother only nodded. “Do you know when Itachi comes back?” He followed every of her moves. He often asked that ques-tion and always he became the same answer: “I don’t know. Itachi is a very busy young man, Sasuke. Be proud of him and don’t ask so much after him, yeah?”
Sometimes he hated his mother for being the way she was. She never said something direct and always she seemed to evade his questions. Yes, she was very kind and like a mother to him, but for letting him in this uncertainty he could be angry with her.
In general education talking wasn’t so desired in this house. They had to present a famous and organized clan. Sometimes Sasuke wished to be just a normal guy in a normal family full with laughter and happiness.
He sighed. He knew his parents would be more than just furious and disappointed when they would get this. So he was, as they would like it and it was better for him: Silent.
“I’m not hungry.” he said and jumped off from the little chair, he used to stand on when he helped his mom. She nodded and cut some carrots.
The head to the ground he went outside. He was bored. From the back of the big wall in their garden he heard some kids laugh. He wished to play with them, but he wasn’t allowed to. His dad was home and he wasn’t so taken with having fun. Even when Sasuke wanted to do something with Itachi, that hadn’t something to do with Ninja-Stuff he was angry and unfriendly.
Sasuke would like to have some friends. Some persons he could run to, trust and rely on, but nobody liked to talk with him. Just some girls, like the little Sakura, but she was all time giggling like a chicken.
“Just one friend…” he whispered and sat down on the small staircase. He leaned his chin into his hands and stared straight to the wall.
The sun was going under and the last birds flew above is head. With a big sigh he stretched his hands up and let himself dropping back on the floor. He was tired from sitting and lying home. Okay, he had school, but that wasn’t so much. Sometimes he had the feeling that he was just alive for training and boring.
Every day it was the same. Standing up, going to the academy and coming back. If would just happen some-thing exciting, but nobody heard his wishes.
“Sasuke?” He looked up, saw his mother and turned round on his belly.
“Sasuke, come in. You’ll catch a cold and it’s becoming dark.”
He nodded and stood up. His mother was straight on the way back when she stopped. “Ah, and Itachi is back. Maybe you can talk to him before he goes to sleep.”
Sasuke smiled happily. Finally his brother was back from his mission. He hadn’t seen Itachi for weeks now and had looked forward to meet him again. “Thank you, mom.” he said honestly and ran to Itachis room.
“Nii-Sa - !” Sasuke stopped in the door-frame. His brother laid on his bed. He was asleep and still he wore all his clothes. He must have been very tired. Sasuke felt a little down, but also he was quiet happy that his brother was finally back home. He smiled a bit and turned around. Gently he closed the door. “Sleep well, Nii-San…”, he whispered. “I’m glad you’re here.”
As quiet as he could he walked down the corridor to his room. He felt always save when Itachi was in the near. Sasuke didn’t know, but his brother meant all to him. Yes, he liked his parents, but his brother was much more. He was his hero, his intimate. He could always come to him and tell him his problems. Itachi listens to him and helps him, where he was able to.
Sometimes Sasuke thought he could read in his mind like in a book.
He sighed and fell onto his bed. It was far too big for his little body. He always felt so small, when he laid there. Even the pillows where quiet tall. When he held his stretched arms out he couldn’t hold it completely.
He turned to the side and placed the head on his arms. He took a deep breath and stared at the boring, white wall.
Tomorrow, he thought, I’ll ask Itachi whether he’ll paint my room with me…
***
I heard his steps on the wooden floor even before he reached my room.
Quickly I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. Actually I want to talk with him, just a little change of words before night-time, but our Dad had been more quick. When I had been just home he came to me and said I should keep away from Sasuke. Especially this evening. I didn’t wonder. Dad wasn’t so happy about the deep bond between Sasuke and me. He often thinks I am not good for him. Sad, but true.
So I laid on my bed with closed eyes when he came. It was better not to make our father angry the first day I’m back again.
When I heard the whispered “Sleep well, Nii-San…I’m glad you’re here…” My muscles cramped. I hated father so much for forcing me to have done this. I swear I would never lie to Sasuke again. Never. I felt so much pity for my little brother for having a family like this. He was such an innocent, smart, cute boy. He didn’t deserve something like this. A mother which was far too fearful to say a word, when her husband planned such weak, mad thinks to ruin the friendship between his sons, and a brother which didn’t do anything to stop that. What a despising family.
Furious I clenched my fist. It’s a damn complicated situation. And if that isn’t enough I had to hide my se-cret. My whole clan was in danger. A big decision weighed on my shoulders and soul, and I have nobody to ask for help. Like always. I was always alone, in my whole live. Just Sasuke is there for me, but even this time I can’t invite him in this important knowledge. I have to do everything on myself. All by my own. Like always.
Gomen, Sasuke, gomen nasai, for everything I will do.
Part 3
As if it’s with all my memories, I remember this scene like it would have happened just an hour ago. Nah, not right. It’s clearer and sharper than the others. I can hear my gentle steps of my little feet and feel my fingertips at the wall, following the way down the corridor. I’m six years old. I had a nightmare. I cried. I want to my brother. Now.
***
He was awake, when he heard the noise of Sasukes still so little feet. Quiet, but there. His door opened completely silent, then it got closed again. A hoarse sob and a small whimper. Itachi turned around and smiled warm into Sasukes face.
“What’s wrong, Sasu?”
His brother stared at him with his big dark eyes and looked very lost and lonely. Even in the darkness he seemed as pale as the bright moon, which was shining through one of the opened windows. “Have you cried?”
Sasuke shook his head, but Itachi reached his hand out and touched the small cheek. He felt the salty mark, which the tears had left behind. “Liar…” he whispered and moved a little bit away. Softly he tapped on his bed and Sasuke crawled under the blanket. Itachi sensed that he was trembling. Reassuring he run with his hand over Sasukes Arm.
“Had a nightmare, Ta-Chan…”
He sighed and pulled his little brother closer to his body. He felt icy cold.
“How long are you awake?”
“More than an hour…”
“Can’t sleep again?”
“No…” Sasukes voice was lower than a whisper. He felt ashamed. Even six years old and afraid of a silly nightmare though.
Like reading his mind Itachi said: “It’s just normal, Sasu. I cried in nights till was ten. But, you can be glad. I had nobody, whom I could run to.”
He smiled. His small head laid against his chest so he couldn’t see it, but it didn’t matter. Sasuke felt it anyway.
“I’m glad.” he answered. “I’m really glad.”
“I know. And that’s touching. But now try to sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day, you know.”
“Will you hold me, when I have a nightmare again?”
“I will.”
“Will you comfort me, when I cry?”
“I will.”
“Will you be there, when I need you?”
“I will.”
“Ta-Chan?”
“Huh?”
“I love you…”
Itachi’s answer was just a small pushing, but Sasuke knew, that that was more, than his brother could say. With a soft smile he closed his eyes, cuddled nearer in Itachis arms and after a few minutes he fell asleep. This time he wouldn’t have a bad dream.
Itachi listened to Sasuke regular breath. It was reassuring and moving. He sensed that he adjusted his own breath to his little brother’s ones. Gently he kissed Sasukes small head. The next morning he wasn’t able to say, how long he laid there and watched over his brothers sleep.
***
I don’t like to say it, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of my own cruel self.
I made my decision, but I’m not happy with it.
I had a long talk with the leader, and after that, it was more than just clear.
Even if it would not kill only our family, but also the bound to my little brother. It’ll be the best for him and for me. But my heart burns when I think about it. Taking away the parents is hard, but the knowledge, that you have to kill your own parents is madness, isn’t it?
***
I’m alone, that was all Sasuke was able to think. I’m alone.
He stared at his parents. The little photo was worn and you could see the traces of his little fingers, which so many times grabbed the yellowed paper.
His mother looked so gentle and splendid on it, and his father strong and pure. They looked alive at all.
“But I’m alone.” he whispered and a little tear filled his gaze. He had cried so often the last time. In the morning, during the day and in the night. Sasuke wondered where he took all those tears from. Before this massacre he rarely cried.
Beside him, there was one other person on the image. His brother. Itachi.
Murderer. Killer. Monster. His brother.
Sasuke hated him. He hated him so much. For all he had done. He had stolen his childhood. His life. His dreams. His soul.
“Itachi, do you really know, what you’ve done? Do you? I don’t think so.”, he said quiet and placed the photo in his pocket. Then he stood up. As quiet as he could he left his room. He had luck, and nobody of the hospital personal was there. He disappeared without anyone noticing him.
Outside he slowed down.
He was frightened to go back to his home. Now nobody would be there. He hated the silence. Even in his sick-room he hated it. But he hadn’t asked someone to stay with him. He was too confused, too hurt, too young to understand all consequences of Itachis deeds. But after some time he realized everything. And it hit him harder than a punch right in the middle of his face.
It was neither shock nor hell.
It was far worse.
It was the knowledge of his destroyed life.
Part 4 - Final
I did it. I did the most horrible crime in this world. I killed my parents, and with them, I killed my brother. I killed me. My life has no sense anymore.
***
As hard as he tried, he couldn’t understand what he had done to deserve this fate. His mother often said he was a good boy, and that she was proud of him, and his father too, though he didn’t show it that often. And Itachi, didn’t he said, that Sasuke is the most important person in his life? So why, why did he do that? What had he done? Isn’t a big brother a person, who loves his younger charge? Who tried to protect him from all those brutally and cruel things in the cold dark world? Every night when little Sasuke had have a nightmare he rocked him to sleep, dried his face from the tears, when he wasn’t able to forget all those creatures from his shocking dreams. Sasuke believed his brother would never do something bad to him, something, which would make him cry, would make him desperate. And alone.
***
One night, I woke up. The dream was still in my head. The same scenery as ever. Nah, not really. The same scenery since the death of my family… Every single night I’m seeing it again and again. And every single night I have the feeling, that I won’t endure it anymore. Seeing the parents die one time is cruel enough, you think? Fool. See them dying every night again is more than you can imagine. It’s like the hardest and most painful torture you can get. I hate Itachi for letting me have this punishment every night. I don’t want to go through this once more. I wanted to die then, but I couldn’t…All because of you. Itachi. You called yourself a brother full of love, but you aren’t. You can’t feel anything concerning the people around you. I can’t believe you would. For that you betrayed me too gravely. I don’t feel anything else for you anymore, despite all the hatred and disappointment. Some months ago, before you’ve showed me your true face, I thought I wouldn’t be able to feel something like this, but now I know it better. I am able to. But just because of you. I can’t say that I’m happy about it. On the contrary I could do without this experience. It’s painful to have all those negative and hateful emotions in your heart. A heart which knows how to do this since just a very short time. I’ve never learned something so fast than that. Hating.
Is this what you wanted? That I forget about my old way to be? That I forget to laugh, to know, what love means? Congratulations, Brother. You did quiet a good job. But one thing, you should know. One day, you will get it all back. I swear. I’ll never forgive you that you destroyed my soul, that you’ve stolen my heart and killed it with my parents. You’ll pay for your deeds, and you’ll repent of done them. Because my new heart, my cold, dead heart, is just beating for one thing. Seeing you suffer like I have to suffer. Seeing you die, like I have to die every day and night when I’m reminded of the brother who betrayed his weak little charge.
For one thing I should thank you, though. You gave me the strongest weapon I’m able to get. Bad for you. Good for me. Because with a heart, not beating for the own life, just beating for a murder, I am the coldest and the most unpredictable human being which you can have as an enemy. A few months ago I would’ve been horrified about this knowledge. But not now. Not at this point in my life.
***
I guess I sensed there was another person like me, when I was eight. He was also a stubborn, young boy, around my age and alone as I was. He grew up without parents. I knew it from the first time I noticed him, though I lived at this time happily in a complete carefree family. I mean, I clearly knew it from the first time I noticed him after I was alone, too. I saw the same look in his clear blue eyes. They were so different than mine, but they watched the world like I did.
He was lonely, he felt sad about his life, didn’t understand why his life was like the way it was and why his heart had to sting when he saw happy children with their parents laugh. He was like me and so much not. I didn’t know why he was that lonely and also I didn’t understand why he was the way he was.
I noticed that most of the people avoided him, often they said nasty things to him, but he smiled though. He hadn’t forget it and that was what made him interesting in my eyes. He was alone like me, he was avoided like me, he was hurt like me and he cried like me. But he was not hopeless like me. And most of all he didn’t feel the hatred. While I was hating all those fucking people who were happy, had a family and gave me just this useless pity, he never was angry with them, although they did so much more painful things to him than to me. Maybe we had different reasons for our loneliness and different stories, but he tried to make the best of his situation.
After some time I had a little talk with the Hokage and then I found something out that changed my life. It changed my whole way of acting and also my view of him.
***
It was one of those visits that are more formal than they should be. Once a month, the Hokage came to Sasuke for a talk, a little walk and just for making the little boy feel, that he was not alone at all, though Sasuke had another view of that. He hated these days. Often he thought that the Hokage’s pity was a great lie, but in fact Sasuke was glad for the community and the change between his all so quiet and all too overwhelming weekday.
One day, when the sun was shining brightly over Konoha, he walked down the way along the forest with the Hokage and talked more relaxed than he felt about nonsense stuff. Just like always. Suddenly Sasuke heard a voice and after a few minutes he saw the boy, trying to throw Kunais at some puppets. Sasuke was a bit amused. After all those Ninja-Lessons this boy wasn’t able to hit all puppets the same time, although Sasuke absolved this practice within a tiny bit of time perfectly.
“He’s not silly or something like that.” said the Hokage like reading Sasukes mind. “Don’t think of him as a fool. In contrary of you he never had somebody who practiced that with him.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you had your brother or your father who trained with you.”
Sasuke was silent for a while, digesting the mentioning of his dead family and his so much hated brother. “So he never had a … family?”
“No.”
Sasuke watched carefully at the boy and listened to the Hokage.
“He never had one. Since he was a little baby he was alone. Nobody has ever hugged him, nobody has given him a good-night-kiss. Nobody taught him what love is. And don’t tell me you never learned that, too, because you did. Sasuke, maybe you’re another opinion, but you know how to love. You have had parents, parental affection. He doesn’t know what that means. But he’s not giving up though, and he’s not as depressed as you. He’s trying hard for making his dreams come true. One day he wants to become a Hokage like me. He wants recognition, because he never felt some. You don’t need something like this, because you’ve gotten some not so long ago. That’s the difference between him and you.”
After this I thought about the Hokages words quiet a long time.
This boy never had a family. Whether he missed one?
I remembered my own mom and my dad, and also Itachi. Yes, Itachi. I remembered the time I was happy. I didn’t know whether I’ve been glad for having a family which loved me when I was younger. I couldn’t remember…But after that talk I could.
And I was glad for been able to have a brother. I was glad that I’ve had the feeling, that I have had a brother who loved me. I didn’t thought about what happened after it, I only thought about the time when I was happy.
And after a few minutes I realized that I was smiling. I smiled, because I was glad that I have had the chance to know how love feels. The first time after my parent’s death I did so and it felt good. And I could even think about all the fun I had with Itachi before he turned out his bad, brutally face. The first time I could do so without getting sad, depressed or angry.
I should cherish all those memories of my childhood. The good ones as well as the sad ones. There are people who had never the luck of having experiences like that: having a family.
Thank you, Naruto, thank you so much for letting me have this realization.
