Eternal Melody   von Maya747
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                               Kapitel 3: Scars
                               ----------------


After Pata went away, time passed by slowly. I had nothing to do.
That means - I had a lot of things to do, but didn't want to do them. I wasn't
even in the mood to work. Even the next day the thought of returning to the
studio still made me sick. Recording sessions went bad the last time and I was
sure I could not stand the stress.
On the other hand I had to finish this damn song ... It already took too long.
While thinking, I went to the bathroom to get a wet, cold washcloth for my
hurting face.
When I looked into the mirror, I winced.
"What ...?"
I looked terrible. So terrible that I had to swallow. I hadn't expect that my
chin looked even worse than it felt ... Its colour was settled somewhere between
blue, yellow and violet. And it was still swollen. Probably the swelling even
became worse. The rest of my face didn't look much better. The weekend could be
made out clearly through my black eyes and the folds. Oh my god ... I couldn't
remember that I ever saw those folds ... That really hurt ... I touched my
forehead and cheeks incredulous and turned my head in front of the mirror.
Folds, everywhere folds. I suddenly felt very sick. I just wanted my face back
like it was three days before. 
This was another reason why I couldn't go out - my vanity. 
If anybody had seen me today, I would have been feeling ashamed for the next 10
years.
I didn't want anybody to see me in this condition. I nearly wished I hadn't seen
myself today.
I left the bathroom cursing. 
That day I stayed at home. I left a message on Daughters answering machine.
Surely she was disappointed and also angry, because every wasted day strained
not only me, but also her. But I didn't care.
I knew that sometimes I was too egocentric, but it surprised me, how
cold-blooded I was now. Since when have I been so? I blamed my bad condition and
tried not to think about it any longer. I only had a bad day.
Or a bad week ... or maybe five bad months. Who cares?

I was so glad that there were people who worried about me. Pata called me three
or four times 
every day to ask me how I was feeling, which was really crazy. He didn't even
like phone calls. In a face-to-face talk he could just turn away if he didn't
know what to say, but on the phone he must have felt like a victim of the one on
the other line. He wasn't very talkative and felt unwell if he had to call
someone. If you call someone you're supposed to be the one who knows what to
say, but he usually didn't. He hated it. It just didn't match with Pata to be
the active one in a talk. 
Everyone surely can imagine now how these calls usually went. He called, asked
me how I felt, I said everything was all right. Then he was silent and didn't
know what to say. This was when I tried to make him tell me something about his
day or how he was. He couldn't handle the sudden interest in him and only
murmured something unintelligible, like a kind of defence. I didn't want him to
end the call, but because we had nothing to talk about, we soon hung up.
It would have been funny if it just would not have given me the feeling of being
rejected in a way ... I was sure it was not my fault that Pata didn't talk to
me, it was just how he was, but -
I shook my head to chase these thoughts away. I didn't need them; everything was
already complicated enough, even without inferiority complexes. 



I told Pata I was all right, every time he called me. In case of my physical
health it was nearly true, but if he wanted to know how I really felt inside, it
was a big lie.
Toshis face hunted me, wherever I went and whatever I did. His words resounded
in my head, when I walked through my silent house. And every time I looked at my
piano, I began to shiver and had to turn away. Those days were painful and
lonely.
At night I could not sleep. I feared to wake up the next morning and to
understand that a new day had begun and the end was a bit closer.
When I laid awaken in my bed, I watched my clock radio; the blood red figures
which shined through the darkness. I watched how the numbers changed, until they
showed me 23:59, then I closed my eyes. I was scared to watch the numbers
suddenly form 0:00. Only zeros left.
And when I lowered my look I could see the small display, which showed another
date.
This night it changed into the 20th of September.
I just couldn't look at it. It was horrible.
Two tiny, short - and at the same time never ending - days were the only thing
which separated me and my nightmare.
I sat up in my bed and seized the telephone. I was on the verge of despair, I
had to put other thoughts in my head.
It didn't take long till the man I called picked up.
"You also can't sleep?", I heard his fragile voice say.
" ...No.", I sighed.
"Nobody can. Even Pata called me tonight."
That was really surprising me. Pata could not sleep? Did we talk about the same
person?
I pulled my blanket away and stood up. I opened the window and let the cold
breeze of the night blow into the room.
"What did he say?", I asked, watching the colours of the city, the cars on the
streets and the lights of the hotels and advertising-signs. 
"Mhhh ... not much." hide laughed weak. "As usual."
He paused for some seconds and when he continued talking, his intonation had
changed into a very concerned and sad one. 
"He didn't sound good ... you sound similar ... that sucks ..."
I didn't answer, so he continued talking. It made me feel a bit better just to
hear his voice.
"But how are you? Saturday was a bit strenuous."
"I'm okay ... How do you feel?"
"Nyo ... moderate ... But Sunday was crazy. I ran against my whole furniture -
my sofa, my kitchen-table, every single chair in the house ... Everything. You
should see how much bruises I have. Awesome!" 
I smiled.
"Yeah ... I can imagine it."
"I have a biiiiiiiiig bruise on my bottom. How did that happen???"
"I don't want to know!", I laughed.
"Spoilsport!", he squealed. Now he wasn't sleepy anymore; he sounded energetic.
I could not say the same about me. It wouldn't have surprised me if I had fallen
asleep right in the middle of the conversation. I had to concentrate hard to
follow this talk.
"Hehe, I think for the first time in our lives you look better than me!", he
joked. For that impudent remark I gave him a mentally smack. 
"Idiot!", I scolded. But then I added: "And I wouldn't be sure. You didn't see
me this week."
"How awful can it be? I have two bumps on my forehead, what can you offer?" He
giggled amused.
"A swollen chin with a nice mixed colour." I didn't mention my folds. How I
hated this word ... Folds ... It sounded so old ...
"Ey, what did you do?", he asked immediately.
"The same thing you did ... I guess ..."
"You GUESS?"
"Pata and I were having some drinks on Sunday ..."
"You can't remember the evening, am I right?"
"Yes ..."
"And now you think you ran against a door or what?"
"I don't know ..."
"And Pata doesn't know it, too?"
"Euh ... No."
"My god! How much did you two drink? If even Pata can't remember anything - this
is weird!" I don't know if he was joking or really worried; therefore I was too
tired. 
"Yeah.", was the only thing I replied. I leaned out of the window carefully and
soaked up the fresh, cool air. That woke me up at least a bit more.
"It's not exactly a brilliant idea to spend two following nights in that way,
you know?", hide preached. Somehow I suddenly had the feeling of talking with my
mom. I could imagine she had mentioned things like that in her speeches when I
was 15 and came home drunken and much later than midnight - Of course in the
middle of the week, so that I could go to school with a nice hangover. In these
years she had to worry much about me.
"Take more care of you ...", hide said low. "Promise me you will, Yo-chan!"
"I'll try it ...", I evaded, not sure if I could keep such a promise.
"No! You'll DO it, not only TRY! Promise me!" It was alarming how desperate he
sounded. I've never heard him nearly scream in the phone. It frightened me.
"I ... I promise ...", I said to calm him down.
He sighed. I had the image of his slim body in my head - crouching at his bed,
clutching at his sheet and shivering. Probably that was closer to the truth than
I wanted to believe. 
I didn't want to think about it ... In this moment I wished he would have been
here, so I could embrace and hold him. Now it was me who felt responsible for
him. He was like a younger brother for me - maybe even more then Kouki was. We
had spent the last 10 years together and in all those years X had become a kind
of new family for us all.
This was when suddenly the reality hit me with the power of a sledgehammer. 
My family was gone. The brother I've had since my earliest childhood had left me
alone without a reason. Nothing would ever be the way it has been, again.
"I would like to see you tomorrow ... ähm ... today.", hide broke the silence.
I nodded, although I knew he could not see it. 
"Okay ..."
"I'll see if I can persuade Pata to join me."
"Fine ..." 
"Meow ... Yo-chan, you are not very talkative today."
"Hehe ..." I laughed tired.
"Well ..." Now even hide didn't know what to say anymore. 
"Try to get some sleep now.", was his motherly advice.
"You too."
"Al'right."
"Good night."
"Bai bai."
He didn't hang up the phone. I didn't do it either.
" ... Could you just hold the line a bit longer?", he asked me shyly. "It's so
silent here ... I can't sleep ..."
So I laid down on my bed with the telephone next to my head. Most of the time
neither of us said anything. But just to know that there was someone you could
talk to if you wanted, was unbelievable calming. We listened to the other's
breath and that made us feel safe in a way.
At times hide hummed low or made some funny sounds or asked me if I was still
awake. 
It was around 4 AM, when his low voice began to vanish until I couldn't
understand his words anymore and silence was taking over me.
 
~

I didn't sleep long. Maybe one and a half hour had passed by when I woke up
again. 
In my ear the nasty sound of the engaged tone resounded. Probably one of us had
ended the phone call unintentional while sleeping.
Because I knew I could not get it done to fall asleep again, I took the phone
and fed another number into it slowly. It was like a haze was laying over my
mind ... This overwhelming tiredness almost hurt.
Once again my call was answered infernal fast. The bell rang just one time when
a sleepy voice said: "Yoshiki? Is it you ...?"
"Yeah. Good morning ...", I croaked. My voice sounded harsh and my throat was
dry. It  hurt to speak.
"Morning?" Heath sounded confused and shocked. "Is it already morning?"
"Nearly ..."  I glanced at my clock radio. "Half past five."
"Oh, I didn't notice ..."
"Did I wake you up?", I asked, exactly knowing that I didn't. 
"No, no! I could not sleep."
"What do you think of a meeting today? With hide and Pata."
"That's a great idea!", he called out happily. "When?"
"We didn't fix a time. You can come whenever you want."
"Is it at your house?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I'll see when I can manage it to arrive. I have to go shopping before."
"Yeah, do that." I smiled.
"Oh - I have to hang up know - someone is on the other line.", he suddenly
excused and hang up hasty. I blinked confused, not prepared for such a sudden
end of the conversation.
I wondered what this was for a phone call he got now that was more important
than this one.
I didn't like it much that I was to the left of. 
I got up annoyed and picked out jeans with a used look and a white shirt of my
wardrobe. Then I chose between my necklaces and decided on a silver one with a
same-coloured cross with tiny blue diamonds on it. One of my most favourite
ones. 
When I put the jeans on, I felt they were bigger than I remembered them ... Or I
became slimmer. In memory of my dreadful eating habits in the last time I
recognised that not my jeans had changed, but me.
OK ... lets summarise: I got these hateful folds, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat
and now I was on the verge of starving and everybody could see it if he watched
my body a bit closer. I became run-down more and more with each day that passed
by. That had to stop ...!
I hesitated a bit before I went to the bath. There the mirror already waited for
my appearance.
I did that "favour" to him and grabbed my powder at once when I saw my face. 
I tried to cover my black eyes, my swelling and the damn folds. My effort was
more or less successful. My chin looked nearly as usual, what had to depend on
the fact that it had already started to become normal again during the week. The
tiredness around my eyes couldn't be slandered that easy. And the folds ... Well
... I wished my stylist was here to eliminate them.
After powdering my forehead and cheeks for the fifth or sixth time I stopped in
the middle of the movement and stared into the mirror. 
What was I trying to conceal ...? Only the folds or something, which couldn't be
made out in my face that easy? My headache returned when I understood that I
wasn't just putting some make-up on. I was putting on a mask.
Maybe the folds weren't that bad just because they let me look older and
therefore worse.
Maybe they were bad because they reminded me of the reasons why I had them.
The alcohol, the lack of sleep and of course Toshis decision, which had caused
all of my depressions. All those aspects flew into each other and built one big
problem, which was destroying both my mind and body slowly.
Once again I was melting with pity for myself. But this was the only way I could
handle this situation. If you could call this "handle". It wasn't really getting
better. 
But how could it ...

~

I stood in my doorframe and fought with myself whether I should go out or stay
at home.
It was already a bit brighter than night outside, but I feared that there were
too much people out on the streets who could see me. I didn't want to be
bothered today.
Besides that I feared that I might miss hide or Heath, if I'd leave my house
now.
But the fresh air and the idea of daylight on my skin were very tempting.
Temperatures were still low, so I froze lightly. The fresh autumn-wind played
with my hair.
I put on my sunglasses and walked down the first two stairs of my stairway
slowly. One short look back into the hall, which was so silent and empty it was
nearly scaring and I was sure I wanted to leave right now. 

I walked along the street and didn't think about where to go. I just listened to
my inner voice, telling me where to guide my steps. I followed my instinct,
walked further and further and further. I didn't know how far I went. I didn't
care about it.
Sometime I arrived at the park and stopped in front of it. My look glided over
the green meadows and the trees, which had begun to drop their leaves. Some of
them still owned a small piece of their foliage. Single leaves were hanging down
the bleak branches, coloured in bright red and yellow, or already brown.
I didn't know the reason for my sudden interest, but I couldn't resist to walk
into the empty and quiet park and approach the trees. I just had to look at
them, at their lost beauty.
They reminded me of my current situation. 
I touched the bark of the tree in front of me with my fingertips. The tree was
just like X. Blossoming, wonderful, at the climax of its life and then the
autumn came and snatched the beauty away from it. Each of us was a leave ... Our
fans were the roots ... Our music was the trunk ... And Toshi was the autumn.
Maybe it was unfair to think that way, I realised sadly. It wasn't Toshis fault.
Just because I didn't understand his decision that didn't mean, it was wrong. It
was his life, not mine. If he was happier now, I maybe should just accept that
and be happy, too.
But I couldn't ... I felt addicted to him. I still could not understand why he
wanted to leave me alone. Maybe I was a perfectionist and this might had annoyed
him sometimes. But was this really the reason why he threw the last thirty years
of our friendship away?
It scared me to know that he wasn't there anymore to solve my problems together
with me.
The new situation overtaxed me. The first time in my life I could not ask him
for help, because for the first time he was the reason I felt that bad ...
When I walked home, I glanced at a clock in a small café which had just opened
his gaps. It was half past eight. That meant I had been walking around for
almost three hours. 
I shrugged without any motion. If hide or Heath would be waiting in front of my
door, they would already have called me. I didn't have to worry about that.
There were so much other more important things to worry about, that it was
wasted time to think about such invalid problems.
Back at my house I felt anything else than being at home. I felt like a stranger
in the rooms which actual had to be familiar to me. No, more than that - It
almost seemed to me I was a prisoner. From the moment I closed the door behind
me and the noise resounded in the hall, my heart was a bit heavier. I felt like
taking up a prison sentence and locking up myself ... 
I couldn't wait for hide to arrive to free me from my inner chains, which tied
up my heart and pulled tight more and more. In the kitchen I sat down and stared
at the clock over the fridge, tipping with my fingers on the blank tabletop. I
tried not to think about next Monday. I listened to the ticking of the clock -
the only sound which could been made out in the room. Without any movement, I
rested in that position, now knocking a small rhythm with my fingertips on the
table, fixating the hands of the clock. 
I can't even express how relieved I felt when I heard the doorbell and could
break out from that silent hell, I had to live in, when I was alone.

~~~

Tja, diesmal ohne Betaleser x.x
Es sind sicher einige Fehler drinnen, aber da es 
1. niemand liest und
2. wenn es doch jemand liest dieser jemand die Fehler wohl eher weniger bemerken
wird (behaupte ich einfach mal ganz unverschämt XP)
isses mir erstmal egal ... Außerdem will ich TombLily nich jedes mal
belästigen, wenn ich was fertig geschrieben hab ...
Das 4. Kapitel is übrigens auch fertig, aber ich gucks nochmal durch.
Ich hab 3 Anläufe für dieses Kapitel gebraucht e.e;;;
Hatte es heute zum 2. mal fertig geschrieben, aber dann is mir plötzlich
aufgefallen, dass Taisho über was nachdenkt, was er erst in Kapitel 4 erfährt
und dass das ein wenig unlogsich ist XDD (Passiert, weil: ich hab das 4. Kapitel
eher als das 3.geschrieben und nich mehr drauf geachtet *hust*).
Ich hatte auch erst noch einen inneren Monolog von Toshi als Intro für dieses
Chappy, hab den dann aber weggestrichen, weil er mich net ganz überzeugt hat
...
Hm ... nochwas? e.e;;;
Kommentare wären echt nett ... Nicht nur auf Grammatik bezogen, sondern vor
allem auf den Inhalt. Würde mich halt interessieren, ob es noch halbwegs
glaubwürdig ist <.<''.
Hatte erst keine Lust mehr zu schreiben, weil Yoyo irgendwann so sehr in
Selbstmitleid zerflossen is, dass es mir fast schon langweilig wurde XP
Aber jetzt is alles wieder gut XDDD~~~ Wie mans nimmt *g*
Irgendwie mag ich das Telephongespräch mit hide-chan ... fragt mich net, warum.
Dialoge fand ich früher immer total schwer zu schreiben, aber seitdem ich mir
die lange Schreibpause gegönnt hab, fließt das alles wie von selbst ... Ein
Satz ergibt den anderen. Es ist echt, als würden die Leute sich in Echtzeit
unterhalten und ich höre als Unbeteiligter zu e.e;; Ich LIEBE es, wenn sich
Fanfics (stellenweise) verselbstständigen!!! Dadurch machts mehr spaß und is
lebendiger *___*
Das einzig doofe, das meinen Schreibfluss ein bissl hemmt, ist, dass ich 70% der
Zeit am Wörterbuch klebe ^^;;;
Und ich HASSE es, wenn Wörter nich drinstehen o.Ô!
Mein Lehrer würde sagen: "musst dus eben umschreiben!", aber bei ner Story kann
man eben nich ständig umschreiben, wenn man doch das treffende wort kennt T___T
Ich will ein Wörterbuch mit allen wörtern der Welt! *___* *träum*

Und ich hab die Kapitelplanung fertig! *_____*
Es werden genau 10 Kapitel! Und es macht immer Spaß an der FF zu schreiben,
weil in jedem Kapitel irgendwas passiert, dass ich gerne schreiben will ^____^
*das toll find*.

Wollte mal nen Kommentar zu nem Kapitel nach dem eigentlichen Kapitel abgeben
*lol*. Damit ihr erstmal lesen und euch ne Meinung bilden könnt bevor ich euch
zutexte XD~~
Jo, Kommis wären echt nett *___* *lang net mehr gebettelt hat* e.e;;;

Maya

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