สี่
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"I always thought that as long as I have everything under control, everything will be alright, but then you came into my life and everything went out of control."
Nichkhun remained silent, unsure of what to respond. He still kept his distance to Jaebeom, but the things his leader said made him thoughtful. He cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry, Jay... I didn't knew... I mean, what you've said... I just... damn.", Nichkhun hit the wall with his fist and sighed looking down on the floor. "Why are we like this, Jay? Why can't we talk like decent people? I never told anyone..."
The younger boys voice trailed off and he avoided Jaebeom's eyes, feeling embarrassed because he had almost said something he never wanted to say to anyone. But Jaebeom was not a man to be left with secrets like that.
"Nichkhun?"
"Hm?"
"I think... well... Sometimes...", he struggled for a proper beginning. "You know what those secrets have caused between us. We should talk properly with each other. I don't want to hurt you again because of things... we've kept below radar level, you know?"
Nichkhun thought for a moment then he nodded.
"Okay. You're right... Let's talk."
They left the hotel and slowly walked down to the beach. It was pretty late already, around midnight and a slim crecent moon bathed the white sand in silver, the calm waves reflecting the moonlight.
They both remained silent and awkward next to each other, unsure and shaky. Jaebeom had so many things going through his mind, so many things he wanted to say, but everything he could think of seemed so wrong, so out of place that he just kept his mouth shut and watched a lonely green water bottle being tossed about by the waves.
Suddenly Nichkhun stopped walking and Jaebeom slowed down before turning around.
"This... is not what I want between us, Jay.", the younger said under his breath. "This is... not the relationship I want to have with you."
Jaebeom nodded and sat down with Nichkhun settling next to him.
"I know. But I feel like... I did so many things wrong... I've hurt you so often. Maybe it would be better for you if I ignore what I feel."
"Do you really think feelings can be ignored that easily? Do you think just because we pretend that they don't exist they will disappear? I've tried it so often enough, Jay. It doesn't work."
"Really? Why did you try?", Jaebeom asked carefully and it took some long seconds until Nichkhun answered with a shaky hoarse voice.
"I tried to forget it because... I was afraid. I felt awkward, because it's not easy to be in love with a boy. I couldn't tell anyone, not even Junho because I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore once he found out about this. Then this fan-service thing made some things easier because I could be closer with the guy I love. But on the other hand it was hard, because I knew that I could never get any closer than that. And that it would never be anything "real", you know? The hardest thing is being in love with a friend, Jay. Because I would rather live one thousand lifetimes just as that guy's friend then even one lifetime without him. That's why I've never confessed to him, although my heart always tells me that I should do it. Because my head always says no, I keep my secret. Sometimes... you know, I'm so... desperate sometimes. When I see happy couples in the streets and I wish I could just live like them, knowing that the other one is loving me back. And sometimes I wish that I could be a little more self-confident, a little more selfish, especially in moments like these. This is such a romantic place..."
The younger boy's voice trailed off again and he avoided Jaebeom's eyes by looking around the beach watching the waves calmly rolling over the fine white sand. Suddenly Jaebeom made a sharp movement that shook Nickhun out of hs dreaming and he turned his face at the older one. Jaebeom was sitting there with his forehead pressed into the sand and his hands crossed.
"Nichkhun. I'm begging for absolution for what I did to you and I want to confess my love to you. You know, that's the reason why I couldn't control myself anymore. All I want is you, all I ever wanted and even if you might be in love with another guy like you told me, I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. That's all I have to say and thank you for being the great person you are."
Jaebeom stayed in this position until he heard Nichkhun's soft chuckle.
"Chansung was right, you're such an idiot. Jay...", Nichkhun said softly and grabbed the older one's shoulder to bring him up again. "The guy I've been talking about is you, Jay Park. None other then you, okay? Actually I didn't feel violated when you attacked me. More then that I've felt shocked because I never thought that you would do something like that and later I felt sad because I thought that you only did it because you were drunk or something like that..."
"So... you don't hate me?"
"I love you, Jay."
"You know... I... um.... love you... too?"
"Is that a question?"
"No. I... just love you."
I can't let you go, even if I die
I'll never say "goodbye" to you, even when this world ends
I'm about to lose control as if my heart is dynamite
Tik tik tok tok time goes fast
I'm leaving a deep impression in your heart tonight
Listen to my heartbeat. it's beating for you
I just want to let you know
That I never felt this way about anyone else
I think I love you
So don't think I'm crazy when I tell you this
But if someone ever hurts you
I'll fucking kill him
사랑해요
Don't forget these words I will love you forever
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