The Holder of Homestuck
by
Oogie-Boogie
In any city, in any country, you can go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to.
Then ask the receptionist about the Holder of Homestuck.
She will believe you instantly and lead you to the next cinema theatre that shows a romcom. Here you will meet a troll. He will be angry if you speak to him, but don’t worry, he is harmless. Cuddle him if you want, he will not get violent even if he says differently. He may even like it, but don’t overdo it, you could get into trouble with his blind friend or his fashion-conscious friend with the chainsaw.
You have to ask him “Where are your friends?"
He will lead you out of the cinema and to a circus.
The angry young troll will leave you at the entrance and you will enter it alone and see the usual stuff.
Tamers with lions and leopards, a bear that drives a little car and an acrobatics team that does great stunts on the ground.
On the rope way above the ground is another troll, dressed as a clown. He will be riding a unicycle, juggling clubs and will come across as somewhat stoned.
You have to give him some of the pies of green slime and a bottle of Faygo, both stored in a refrigerator nearby.
If you ask him for the way without them, he will gently ask for the pie and the Faygo. If you are dumb enough to wait for several days and not do anything he will go crazy and club you to death. But maybe you find your next destination yourself in that time.
In any case, if you give him what he requested he will thank you “MOtHeRfUcKeR” and lead you to a big castle. On the way you will see a few normal humans. One with big glasses, another one with two big needles in her hands, another dude with Katana who tries to be cool looking to a ridiculous degree and a young girl with glasses with a Plasma Cannon.
They look like they do something really important and it is probably the case but you will be much more interested in any of the trolls.
Don’t say you’re interested more in the humans than the trolls, don’t lie to me or yourself.
Anyway:
You will reach the castle and access it alone. You have to search it, and will eventually find the living chambers. If you accidentally walk through the gate that leads to the gigantic spider, don’t worry, she doesn’t eat humans.
You will reach the respiteblock of the mistress of the castle. She is a teenager with wild, long and full hair, one of her eyes has seven small pupils and she has a very dangerous aura around her.
You have to ask her “Are you a pirate?“
She will answer “Yo, ho, fiddle dee dee, I don’t want to sing that stupid song only because I am one. Here, take this and go to Kanaya. She will get your too your next destination.“
The young pirate will give you a dress, of clothing a really beautiful one. Also a flintlock pistol.
If you ask what you need the second one for, the young castle mistress will only smirk and say cryptically: “Try to figure it out yourself dumbass. Seriously, it will not be that hard or dangerous.“
Well, maybe not very cryptically. But she will lead you into the direction towards your next target.
You will reach two white towers, one smaller than the other, with giant pieces of fabric bound to them, very colourful ones at that. It will be a beautiful day and you will see that the hive is surrounded by plants, grass and a garden. A very friendly looking big headed white insect creature will fly around the hive. It will wave at you and let you pass and not harass you as long you don’t threaten or attack her charge.
The interior is very neat and clean, stylish and colourful. It has a very inviting character. You will meet a young, graceful looking troll lady in the living room.
She will greet you friendly and calmly and ask you what your desire is.
You have to say “I desire to control the creativity and path of your World.”
The young troll with fashion sense will answer: “Of course. But are you aware of the consequences?“
You have to say “yes”.
“Maybe, maybe not. Deciding the path of our world can be very dangerous. But the danger comes not from us.“
You have to say “I will take my chances.“
The Troll will take one of her captchalogue cards, wrapped in chains hold together by a lock.
“You will find the key eventually.“
After this, her lusus will carry you towards your next destination, a big city with many skyscrapers. You have to enter the skyscrapers the lusus will drop you before and you have to check all the doors in it until you find one that is open.
In it you will find another young troll who wears glasses, the left lens in blue, the right in red.
“Hey, asshole”, he will greet you. “Do you want some mind honey?“
Take the honey and bite chunk of it. Swallow it, it’s harmless for you, as far as you don’t have psychic powers.
If you do, search for a way to waste the gigantic increase of psychic powers in a safe way for you and your surroundings.
In any other case you will open a telepathic connection to a young troll in a wheelchair. He looks pretty harmless, despite his big horns. You will know what he looks like thanks to the telepathic connection.
“Hi”, he will say. “Uhm... Do you have interest in... Uhm... Do you really want to be the Holder of Homestuck?”
If you say yes the troll will say, “Oh... Okay. I will... Will help you get there.”
You have to disconnect the psychic link or you will have to converse with the troll. Something that isn’t bad, if you think you find him likable.
Anyway, after you disconnect, a giant bird will wait for you on the roof of the skyscraper. Climb on his back and it will take off. It will fly to too a little house in the middle of the fields. Dismount the bird and go to the house. A ram will stand in the entrance blocking your way. She will snort menacingly at you.
You have to say “I mean no harm. I have to talk with the Maid of Time.”
The ram will call for her charge and another young troll Lady will appear. She will be dressed in a red hooded body-Cloak and smiling at you in a very friendly way.
“You want to hold Homestuck? That may sound cool but it can also bring a lot of pain. Are you still sure about that?“
If you say no, she will you bring back to your world, where you can do your usual stuff again.
But if you say yes, she will spread her wings, hover in the air and take you with her with using her telekinesis.
Don’t worry, she will not harm you. She will teleport you too another habitation.
This one is on a cliff, above the home of the Spider-troll. You may think this makes your other stops a big detour but you have to go on now.
Enter the hive. Many robots are standing around and robot parts litter the room, some of them heavily damaged. In the middle of the room stands a pretty muscular troll.
He wears sunglasses and his teeth seem to be badly damaged.
“Homestuck is heavy even for me“, he will say. “I wouldn’t dare to carry it. Will you?“
If you say no he will you show the way out and your Quest is over. If you say yes then he will grab you, go out and throw you with all his might towards the horizon.
You will fly with incredible speed through the air. You may piss your pants, but don’t, because you have to go to the angry troll or the one with the fashion sense to get new ones. You will fly towards the water and will be rescued at the last second by a seadweller. But not any seadweller, this one is the Heiress.
She will jump from the sea and snatch you softly in the air.
“Are you all right?”, she will ask. You will probably nod and she will react with “GREAT! Time to get you something to eat.“
She will swim you to the next restaurant at the shore. “I recommend the salad with tofu.“
If you take another menu she will stare at you with disappointment until you alter your order to the recommendation of the Heiress.
You get your meal soon after. “Bon Appetit,” the seadweller will wish you.
Eat your meal, take your time and have a discussion with the nice sea-dwelling lady.
“You will reach your target soon. Don’t give up and you will hold Homestuck in your hands. It may be hard but you will figure it out fast.“
After your meal she will lead you towards the next troll. She will let you ride on her back and she will swim faster than every known maritime form of life you have ever seen.
She will transport you to a little isle in the ocean with a shipwreck on it. “Go now. Don’t worry, the resident of the shipwreck has my orders not to attack you or do other bad things to you.”
You should say thank you to her before you go. She will not kill you or anything like that but it would be very impolite if you don't do it.
You will enter the shipwreck and meet the owner in his respite block. It is a young aristocratic seadweller who looks like a troll version of Harry Potter, even if he asserts that magic doesn’t exist.
“Ah, wwelcome to my crib”, the sea-dweller will greet you. “Wwhat do you wwant?“
Explain that you wan((??? ? ???? I think something's missing here?))
“Are you sure? The glory is great but the blame can be evven greater. Every bit of pirating I evver did was less dangerous in comparison. Also being in blackrom with the Spider. Seriously!“
If you want to go, then go now. Otherwise say that you are sure about your goal.
“Vvery wwell then. Let me show you the way.“
The young seadweller will lead you to his firing range. There you have to use the flintlock pistol the cerulean-blood gave you.
Aim for the target that looks like the troll with the red and blue eye. Shoot him into the head and a secret hatch will open. In it is a black orb with troll horns all over it, looking like spikes.
“Protect it as well as you can, Human“, the seadweller will ask you with surprising kindness. “Be good to it. Better than I ever was.“
The seadweller will bring you to his ship and sail towards your next destination. He will bring you to the shore and say: “You have to find the one who is blind. Her hive is in a tree.“
You have to go inland now. You should admire the wild beauty of this place while doing so. It is a fantastic world full of danger and adventure.
But you don’t have time for any other adventure than this at the moment. Well, you should have, exploration of the planet would be dangerous without preparation.
Soon you will reach a beautiful forest. The harsh sun will gleam through the purple leaves of the blue trunks.
Don’t be fooled, like everything on Alternia, this place is dangerous. But not for you, you have other concerns.
You will arrive at a one of the biggest trees in the forest. On it are grey hive structures from which are several little plushies that look like dragons hang from the hive, their necks in nooses.
It could come across as a little disturbing, but don’t worry. The resident of this tree doesn’t hurt the innocent. Are you innocent? In the sense that you didn’t murder people brutally or commit some other kind of serious crime. If you are, proceed.
There is a chair with rope connected with a winch that will you bring to the living area of the tree.
Inside the living area you will meet another troll with red sunglasses. She looks very confident and her grin will make you nervous. Stay confident, you goal is in reach.
“Hehehehehehe! You are searching for the Holder of Homestuck? Good, it was about time somebody would take this task into his or her hands. This situation needs a resolution but the consequences could be gigantic. But can you conquer this trial? This ultimate quest? You could die horribly. I mean I read some of those other “Holder” stories. They are pretty violent, sometimes too an absurd degree.”
You have to say the following: “Whatever, I want Homestuck, everybody wants to hold Homestuck.”
“You mean us trolls, right?”
“Ehm... Maybe?“
“Either us or the Midnight Crew. Well most of you would probably take both.“
“The other characters have also fans.”
“Probably, but these people are not the breakouts. Or did you do all of this because you desperately wanted to hold Jake English?”
Whatever you do, shaking your head is the best answer. The others will not end in sudden death for you but Terezi will look disappointed at you should you nod yes to that Question.
“Go, then. Go and claim it for yourself.“
The blind girl will lead you into another very long corridor, one that is longer than her house could possibly be.
“Take my hand, it will get very dark soon.“
Do what she says. Otherwise you will get lost and run into walls for hours.
After a while you will hear her open a door. Light will fall in and you see the door and a room behind it. It is a room with a pool table in the middle at which four men play pool. They are Dersites and look like old-style Mafiosi.
You have to say, loud and clearly: “Bring me to the holder of Homestuck.“
The leader of the four will consider stabbing you and draws his kniefe, but the guy who looks like the most reasonable will stop him and lead you into the next room.
There stands the Holder of Homestuck. He's a man in a green shirt with white eyes and the walls of his room are full of pictures of that pirate loving troll.
“So, you really want Homestuck? You have to take it from my cold dead hands!”
Don’t worry, he will not attack you with deadly intent. He will attack you through launching a weird looking puppet at you. A very creepy looking orange puppet wearing a blue t-shirt with a very creepy face that resembles a happier version of the puppet from the movie “Saw“.
You will probably trying to destroy it with all your might and succeed at it.
“Why did you do that?”, the man will ask.
You will probably say: “This puppet was alive and up to no good. A blind person could see that.“
“Fair enough. Give me the Matriorb please.”
Do that and he will show you a key.
“Here, have it.”
He will give you the key and shove you out of the door and you will find yourself at the place where you live at the moment.
Use the key to unlock the sylladex card that the one troll lady gave you and you will discover the green house, the symbol of Homestuck in it.
You have with it total and absolute control over Homestuck. You can now write and draw the story in any way you want.
Any ship you want to happen will happen, every character will become important or unimportant on a whim if you like and everyone of your favourite and not-so-favourite Characters will live or die if you wish so.
But be careful, you also have to endure the Homestuck fandom. And that is no fun prospect for the ones who don’t have nerves of steel.
This item is number 413 of 2538. They are allowed to come together because the trolls may stop the end of the world as we know it.
And that would be fine.
